The magical tale of the princess of London and her magicall shiney shoes (yes, that is what the abbreviation was in the title. the whole thing wouldn't fit, goddammit.)
Chapter 1: Balls and Bendy Buses
Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess who lived in a big castle in a magical land of London. The princess was amazing, and had awesome hair and the best fringe in all the land. Every night she got her funky magic shoes on, and danced at special balls thrown in her honour. These magic shoes were silver and sparkly with special sequins on them and they made sure that she would dance with all the awesomeness of everything. The whole land was in awe of the wonderful princess with her magic shoes, and she was loved throughout the land, apart from, one evil witchy hag, who hated her. The evil witchy hags name was Collin. Now Collin was very jealous of the princesss magic shoes. She knew the evil, witchy magic that she could harness with the shoes magic power. So she sat in her cave in south London for six hundred and sixty days and six hundred and sixty nights until she came up with a plan. Unfortunately, it was bollocks, so she came up with a new one in about a week.
After the blueprints were done, she went to the big castle in North London and disguised her self as a tramp, as not to cause suspicion. First she rode across central London in a highly treacherous bendy bus. Then she crossed the deep dark congestion charge zone, after facing the perils of Ken Livingstones idiocy when he was king she then battled through the swampy horrors of the London Underground. For the king, Boris Johnson had known that the princesss shoes would be envied throughout the land, and though everyone loved her, one evildoer would dare to steal her magic shoes. But the witchy hag was brave, at least we can say that much, for the horrors of the congestion charge zone were enough to make grown men shiver and tremble in their boots. And the evils of the Tube system were perilous and horrible, and were greatly in danger of Al-Qaedas goblins of mass destruction. These perils were even enough to repel the great ogre, Gordon Brown. But Collin the witchy hag was brave, and she faced up to the disgustingness of the bendy bus.
Once the hag had fought her way through Central London, she finally reached the North of the land.
Alas, Collin cried, Now I am here, the princesss shoes shall be mine, and I, Collin, shall rule mighty London in a reign of tyranny and blood
She shuffled along to the castle, and as she shuffled, she chanted,
I summon the powers of sea and sky
To watch me make these magic shoes fly!
And as the princess danced, the shoes lifted her high into the air, and carried her towards the witchy hag.